…go on a cruise!! Okay, so maybe me, Jackie, and Katie didn’t drink quite that much, but our end-of-the-week bar tabs would suggest otherwise!! Endline: Me=$550/Katie=$695-ish/Jackie=$800 (well, almost). To be fair, Katie had two massages included in her bill, but the rest was booze and soda. How Jackie spent more than both of us is beyond me. She didn’t stay out the last three nights!! Makes no sense.
Needless to say, me and the girls had an absolute blast on our eight-day cruise to the Southern Caribbean on Carnival Legend. With our trip being so long, I figured I’d have to break the trip down into at least three blogs, possibly fourth. We were on the boat the longest, but also had excursion days in St. Maarten (Fun), Barbados (The BEST), and Martinique (sucked-ski). I’ll try to keep the boat blog to one, but no promises. Each of the Islands will be their own blog as well.
So without further ado, I offer you: My Favorite Memories from the Boat (Part 1)
Our new language-ski -
Not sure you caught this the first time in the previous graph, but Katie pretty much developed a new language for us. One in which we add the word "ski" to the end of virtually every word we said!! Sounds annoying, but it was actually pretty fun-ski. By week’s end, we had about 100 people on the boat and on the islands who could speak in our rare tongue-ski. It worked better on some words than others. Here’s a few examples: Damn-ski, not so good. Fuck-ski, brilliant!! Oh man am I drunk-ski, not too bad. Oh, I’m so ham-ski, far better!! Yeah, we’re retard-ski!!
Father Dave -
The first time we laid eyes on Fr. Dave, he was up on stage wearing a bikini and lipstick. No joke. But then, we knew him only as contestant Dave, a farmer from Nebraska who was competing in the Survivor Challenge on stage at the pool on Deck 9.
The reason he was dressed in a bikini (top, that is) was part of the game. The two remaining teams had to grab specific items from people sunbathing, one of them being a bikini top. The more the better. Other items included: a sarong, lipstick, straw hat, and a few other things. After the items were collected, they had to be put on!! Hilarious.
Anyway, after two people were eliminated, it was down to Dave, Mike, and Joe. Each was to give a speech about why they should be the Survivor. Going into it we were leaning towards Joe, a tall, tan, big, bald man who somewhat resembled Hulk Hogan, minus the handle-bar stache!! But we were going for Dave after hearing his speech. He took the mike and said in so many words that he thought he should be the Survivor because he did a good job, yada, yada, but then started to pretend like he was verclempt Linda Richmond-style when saying he was "just a poor farmer from Nebraska trying to make it in the world." Hilarious!!
Needless to say, Dave was the sole Survivor.
Later that night (our first formal night, second day of the cruise) we get to our dinner table and spot Dave seated at a table across the way. He was sitting next to Mike and they were both in priest suits!! You know, the black suit with the white collar. We thought to ourselves, Wow. Those guys are funny!! Dressing like priests on formal night, that’s hilarious.
Shortly thereafter, Dave comes over and we immediately shout, "Survivor Dave!! We voted for you!!" He seemed a bit surprised that we knew who he was. We then told him how funny he was and how we were leaning towards Joe before his speech. He thanked us and then I think I asked what the deal was with the priest suit. He then said he was a priest!! Seriously? We asked. Yes, seriously. Then he whips out his card and sure enough, Dave was a priest. Mike is his friend, also a priest, and encouraged him to go on the cruise!!
Couldn’t believe it and I’ll tell you why: Dave was a fairly attractive guy, who was very well-built, well-tanned, and 40 with salt-and-pepper gray hair and a goatee. And did we mention he was funny?? Doesn’t exactly scream priest!!!! We simply couldn’t believe it, but the moment he started talking about his work, we knew it was true.
We come to find out he’s the director of the St. Augustine Indian Mission in Winnebago, Nebraska. On the plot of land is a church, rectory and dormitory/school for the children of the Omaha and Winnebego tribes. The kids are taught traditional Indian culture and language, along with the a solid core of academic basics. The majority of children Fr. Dave works with are unprivileged, neglected, or homeless. In short, he’s probably the nicest, kindest person we’ve met and certainly the coolest priest I’ve ever known.
Later in the week, Katie actually went to confessed to him!! Jackie and I couldn’t quite bring ourselves to do that, but we did attend mass later that day. First time I’d been to mass in a long time!! I owe that to Fr. Dave.
Santanu-
This guy was a bartender in the Lobby on Deck 2 and the ONLY GUY WHO KNEW HOW TO MAKE A GOOD DRINK!!! (All mixed drinks were made with measured pours. For you non-bartenders out there, let me explain it in Lehman’s terms: NOT ENOUGH BOOZE). Needless to say, we befriended Santanu instantly!!
We generally visited him before dinner each night and in between visits to the club. Nice guy, always willing to offer a joke and compliment us on our appearance. Also a very hardworker behind the bar, a nice thing for three fellow liquor-pushers to see!!
The Fucking Spa -
Day one of our cruise while touring the boat, we stumbled upon the spa. Each of us had decided before the cruise that we were hoping to get a massage of some kind. Well, there was a girl outside the door offering a five-minute tour of their facilities, so we went. Stones, seaweed, clay, etc. You name it they had it. Then in the last room, we discovered the Ionitherme massage. The girl, Elizabeth, described—in a VERY thick British accent—it as a treatment that focuses mainly on eliminating cellulite from midsection on women and will help take inches off of us. Up to eight in the first treatment. That prompted "Oooooohhs" from the three of us and the other lady in our tour group. All of the massages were on sale if you signed up the first night, so Katie and I decided to do one at 8:45 p.m.
With our dinner seating at 8:15 p.m. we weren’t thrilled about it, but we did it anyway. (I had actually tried to cancel the treatment a few hours earlier, but they told me I would be charged a fee of $40!!). So, Katie and I grabbed a quick soup and salad at dinner and left poor Jackie alone with a couple from Canada (nice folks she later found out, but it was uncomfortable leaving her).
Long story short, I’m smeared with this clay stuff made of something that smelled very nice, but I couldn’t begin to remember what Elizabeth called it. Then she applied the electrodes and started zapping. OH MY GOD!!! Why did I do this to myself? I wanted to relax, not feel like I’m being electrocuted!! Zaps came every three seconds and went right into my muscles. My legs were lifted roughly three inches off the ground every time I was zapped. Elizabeth is trying to talk to me about what the treatment is doing and all I hear is "waah, blah, waah" Charlie Brown’s-teacher style.
So finally, Elizabeth turns the machine off and exclaims, "Wow!! Look at the difference!" I take a gander and I’ll tell you, I looked EXACTLY the same!! She then tries to sell me a $600, 35-day package to get rid of my cellulite!!! Can you believe this woman? She seemed really ticked off that I didn’t want to buy the products, asking me in her condescending British tone, "You don’t want to get rid of cellulite?" Yeah, lady, I do, but I should be dieting and going to a gym, not spending $600 on treatments that don’t work.
Katie was equally unimpressed and we both sulked about the waste of dough it was!! Fucking spa!!!
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Well, I think that’s about all you people can take right now. I’ll write more later. Part 2 of my boat memories to follow tomorrow!!
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